A change

I’ve changed my blog, it can’t be as personal as I’d like it to be as I don’t want to offend.  Always scared, always anxious, that’s me, so I’m just going to post my poems, my lyrics, my hopes and fears, and not worry about my parents reading how fucked up I really am. 

 I miss my boyfriend.  He just started a job in a kitchen and works 4pm til modnight.  I work the 9-5 monday to friday slog, and I feel single.  I thought I craved peace and down-time, but I do miss him.  See, I’m not as tough as I think I am….

 ….back to American Idol 2008

Low Red Moon - Belly

Low red moon  - Belly

This song evokes the early nineties feminist overtones that so beautifully merged with punk, grunge, pop, to encourage this Tarantino-esque, overconfident, melodramatic, sickly sweet tune with an intoxicating darkness to invade all your senses.  It might fool you into thinking you found your muse, then leave you thinking of a bad word you said as a thirteen year old.  Fuck me simplicity with a badly needed edge and vulnerability make this a pleasure to find and enjoy.  Truly find this treasure and own it like you believe no one has before.  Music like this hardly comes around, so savour and realise it’s rare to identify the light-hearted-ness and raw emotion.  Imagine Mudhoney were girls. Possibly wearing glasses.  With more gusto than gussets can muster, this sorely, ashamedly, underrated band played with the self-awareness a band has when they play for themselves – and hope we get it.  Listening to this, you get the feeling Tanya Donnelly is only singing and writing this for the elite few who get it.  And you get the feeling she is grateful for that.  The admiration she deserves.  Tanya remains an eternally underrated provocative little songbird. 

Soma - Smashing Pumpkins

Soma – Smashing Pumpkins

Only really when an album been lorded as seminal, can a track ever really stand out.  A song with no single release, just purely keeping up it’s own on this album is a fucking astounding feat – but not only keeping up it’s own, but holding the whole album (Siamese Dream, in this case) to an impressive high standard.  It’s hard to talk about Soma without Mayonnaise, Sweet Sweet and lastly, the breathtakingly simple and astoundingly beautiful Luna – Siamese Dream itself is a sweet masterpiece that really deserves more time and attention that even the most avid fan have time to give….the whole album screams beauty, pain, desire and eloquence…pay attention.  Soma is just one chapter in Siamese Dream – it only really makes sense when it makes up the whole wonderful trackilist.

I hope my blog, full of cracked wisdom and utterly manic digressions doesn’t confuse you too much..or hurt your head.  In fact, I hope anyone reading this is anything but bored…so please comment feel free to comment on anything you read and any reaction you have. 

I’m shambolic with my rants, and I just hope I have found a home for them here on WordPress.

 Please let me know if you want me to go away….but I probably won’t go away then, just to annoy you!

where will we land?

All our heroes lie, then die, expecting us to follow on their legacies, complete their grand work and credit them with these achievements, but I’m not the genius, you found a way through the never-ending day and you’re gone

I feel like I’ve been left to continue a revolution I can’t make

Does the affected masses care, I had to dig under their chairs metaphorically

How can heroes find bodies for soldiers to carry on what once begun as our lives, Too many choices short-circuited your planet, too many opportunities for corruption.

The consumer has doomed your home

Rise and be above that

Everyone is falling

Where will you land?

sleepyhead dreams of dandies

Keep drinking even though I’m by myself

Dreaming about dandies playing games

  

I know when you can’t concentrate

I recognise a look in in your face

That tells me there might be something more to tell

And though I love to vent my speech is aimless

I hope I never have to claim this rant as mine

Though we know I always will

I feel weak the most and aimless much

Hard to hold a candle to a more talented ghost that never can die

Just hope that someone might know what I mean

Its not surprising all the shit you’ll find

If you go for a random goal in mind

Sad to watch a fleeting memory

Of a fleet of people hoping that they could be as good as you or me

When the pressures little complications fly

Retire to your bed where your thoughts can eternally fly free

Nothing can get to you if you just fake it

  

Misplaced behaviour can find a place

Somewhere in this awful maddening game

If other people lie throughout there lives

How can I ask any more than that of you?

Your eyes were as sleepy as could be

My fishnets are holding me up

My fishnets are holding me up now

Never mind formalities

Losing all will to preserve some sort of dignity

Ash crawling over me

I get a whiff of beauty in some form

And I’m glad to be alive

Kept a penny in my bra all night

We didn’t get into one fight.

Is a superstitious mind more often right?

Keep a note of all the right sounds

Something holds your heart with a start

And you tell me so urgently you will never leave me, it only serves me just to worry that you will

  

I wish I could so eloquently illustrate how I feel by using this instrument

Never handled well enough to know just how much is just enough for you to believe in me

Never worried about a senseless race, just focus and I think you’ll see the difference.

Between your idols and just what we are.

Comfortable in non-insistence.

we took ecstasy and didn’t go to work

We took ecstasy and didn’t go to work

Would you even know your dreams? We live in them so peacefully.

I don’t think I’d know a place to begin with the reconstruction of our reality

I’m happy where I am

Please leave me to be

Let me add a note or three

To the clumsiness of my melody

I hope you hear the purity I mean it to be

I never counted on anything I ever said to mean anything

I just want you to be closer to understanding me

So I’ll pay excuses to your manager

Do the lions share of housework

And just be glad when you notice a paler shade on my lips

suffocated mannequins

I’ve come to live like a vampire in here in this messy room

 With so many dreams they stifle my resolve

So are my problems solved?

I hold my breath until I’ve got it figured out

Why everything’s so loud, but not loud enough for the important ears to hear

I smoke too much and don’t drink enough, and my one friend drinks far too much

But I feel more comfortable ignoring them

While my foolish charms go up in smoke with one last toke

It’s all a fucking disease It all appears so simple to me why I’m so free I cannot breathe

Vainly snapping fingers like an army of their mannequins

broken little beast

Will the lie always set me free? Because I don’t know if I want the butterflies weakening my knees every time I think about the flood of cash I threw about in search of another buzz

But it always came

And I shiver at the beauty of the words that we can swap about that say the same thing out of anger and betrayal

And we realised that it all meant nothing at all, even though we tried to work it out

We had fun when we did 

I always wanted you but you never wanted me, not really

So I sigh cause I tried to make a deal with god

Then I tried the devil out of spite because I didn’t fully believe in a holy trinity 

Theres things we’ll never understand dears

They wouldn’t be wonders if we could, you see

And did we get so full of pride that we are reflection-less? 

If I take things that don’t belong to me, does that make me a damnable beast?

I forgot how to emphasise with my peers under a grotesque moon singing their tunes

About how the times where better then

The good cold days 

I accept that we live in an evil place where we’re looking to kill for killings sake And even from the highest tower, they’re screaming some concept of hate for hates sake 

Was the longing a sign of the emptiness to come?

Intentionally weak into my broken little lump